Since my maternity leave is officially over, I thought I'd reprise my role of the Roger Ebert of As Seen On TV (and other similar) products. Today, I've chosen a selection of 11 items, all of which I'm sure have been on Price is Right in some way, shape or form at some time in history.

1. Cash for Gold
I need to make sure I understand what's going on with this. All I have to do is gather all that gold I have laying around and send it to some dudes...and they'll send me money?!? Scout's honor? Surely there is more to this than that. Then again, if you are stupid enough to put all of your gold in an envelope and rely on the mail to get it to these grifters and then them to send back a fat check, perhaps you deserve the simplicity of this ripoff.
Oh, and the URL has a 4 in it. Stay classy, Cash 4 Gold.

2. Roll 'n Grow
If only this product were Grow n' Roll - much more interesting, don't you think?

3. Weed Claw
I saw the name of this product and thought it was something much different than what it is. Being an avid gardener and having pulled millions of weeds in my time, I don't know why a Claw is necessary when I have a naturally-occurring (aka "free") claw on the end of each of my arms.

4. Push Up Pro
Is the push up really that complicated that you need a "professional" (at least that's what I think Pro is short for) product to help you? It's pretty much up, down, up, down. Okay, I guess there is some variation on the direction of your hands, the speed at which you move up and down, etc. But, if most 7th grade gym class students can figure this one out, I'm guessing Push Up Pro is superfluous.
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Last night I had the misfortune of walking into a TV switchback in my living room. By TV switchback, I mean one of those situations when someone else has the remote and is watching 2 programs simultaneously, switching back and forth at the most inopportune moments. Normally, around our house, the programs are usually something like "85 kids with Old Testament Names and Counting" and "Medical Mysteries: The Baby Who Was Born Inside Out", but last night the switchback was ping-ponging between the Colbert Report and something called "20/20 on We". 20/20 Ennui? I sat up straight for that one, because I was intrigued by a show about dissipation with unusual clarity.

Apparently, however, ABC has taken a cue from Dick Wolfe and is merely franchising one of its top brands. Just like the 31 flavors of "Law & Order" we see sprinkled across the TV universe on any given night, 20/20 is starting to syndicate and expand its brand's reach and frequency by broadcasting stories aimed at specific market segments. Niche broadcasting. Which seems like a lot of extra work, generating content for these new shows. As I understand it, 20/20 is a journalistic TV news magazine, so they can't really show reruns, because that isn't news. Right?

Last night, they were showing a 4 year old story about a teenager who was torn between giving her baby up to a childless couple for adoption and keeping it. Now, on other news magazine shows, they feature new stories about things that happened several years back, but this story was first aired 4 years ago. So, I'm thinking, this should be interesting; they're going to follow up with the subjects of this piece and see where they are now. Except they didn't. They slapped an awkward intro/outro on the piece and ran it as is. At least when Law & Order and CSI have spin-offs, they get different casts and storylines - they create new content.

I imagine that "20/20 on We" has a deliberate double meaning: it is 20/20 on the We network, and it is also programming for when you are so bored, you'll watch anything. Personally, I'll be watching "Dateline Insouciance".

They say that 80% of Advertising-related RFP’s (Request For Proposal) are fixed. In other words, the folks at the organization already know which agency they are going with. And often they are staying with their current agency and are just conducting the RFP to satisfy some corporate rule.

This pisses me off because folks on the agency side work very hard to create and pitch the new ideas to this potential client and it’s often all for not. Or worse, the client collects all the new ideas and decides to use a few of them over time—without paying for them.

We’ve had this experience, and have even gone back to the table—with the same client—only to be lead around the block and told “thanks, but we’re going to keep this initiative in house.”  I won’t name names. This town is too small. I’ve started a list.

There are some agencies that refuse to work on spec creative and RFP’s. They just flat out refuse. We take each one on a case-by-case basis and try to find out why they are looking and what our chances are. The work is fun because it is something new and our whole company gets into the initiative. There’s an excitement level that comes with competing and we always enjoy the rush! Plus, it’s new creative. We get to play on a new field. And of course we want to win so we do crazy things to get their attention. It’s not the additional work that bugs me. It’s the stealing that goes on. And when I speak with my friends in our business, I often hear horror stories about certain companies that go into the RFP just to steal. Shame on them. All we have to sell is our time and talent. And we prefer to work with honest and upstanding companies that have a mutual respect for us, as a business, and our need to make money too.

Got an RFP? Let me check my list. Here’s an idea: Maybe we should start a community list on the Louisville Ad Club’s website. Wouldn’t it be a hoot if some of these swindlers were black balled from local agencies and nobody responded to their RFP.

Having been on maternity leave for five weeks, I've had a lot of time (while my wee one sleeps) to watch some solid daytime TV. I could go on and on about daytime TV in and of itself, but that wouldn't really advance the cause of this blog, which is supposed to address issues of marketing and advertising ilk. So, I'll instead focus on the advertising I've seen during all of this TV watching.

First, the PedEgg. It's basically a plastic egg with a metal emery board that helps with home pedicures -- $10 for two of these things! One issue I have with this ad, other than it's thoroughly cheesy, is that I'm not sure why I would need two when there is a lifetime guarantee on one? Oh, wait, the spot answers the question -- one is for the household female and one is for the household male. No non-traditional households need bother with ordering the PedEgg, according to the spot.

Second, Free Credit Report.com. These spots are total garbage. That's the best I can say. I've seen three in the series -- all are based on this poor dunce who apparently has made a series of errant decisions he could have avoided if he'd known about and/or used freecreditreport.com. Sounds okay, right? Try again. They are all staged as if he is part of a three-man band and he sings a dreadful jingle while delivering each narrative. Bad enough, but then couple that with the fact that it's totally obvious this guy is lip synching... badly. This guy certainly is no champ at "Puttin' on the Hits."

Next, the ShamWOW!  This product is pretty neat -- my issue with the spot is that the production company couldn't bring it together enough to afford a boom mic. The talent has on a headset! I think the production company cut a few corners and just recorded this guy's performance at his booth at the state fair. And, just like the PedEgg, why does my order have to include 8 ShamWOWs? If one is so great, why do I need 8?!?

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I think Facebook, Amazon and TiVo are triplets separated at birth. Okay, so they're fraternal... but they're multiples of the same genes. Let me explain.

All three tools have been taught and molded into useful and gratifying weapons in our every day arsenals. But, they have the same personality flaw -- they presume a lot of things about us based on our previous behavior. Facebook, for example, looks at my current friends and provides me with a list of people they think I'd be interested in "friending" (love that new gerund in our lexicon, by the way). Facebook assumes that, because I went to college at Transylvania, I must know everyone else who went to Transy at any time in the past 20 years. Facebook is bigoted, essentially. I live in Louisville, therefore I must know everyone else who lives in Louisville. I have blond hair, thus I must know everyone else who has blond hair. Stop with the assumptions, Facebook!

Amazon has the same problem. Based on what I have bought in the past, it makes recommendations on what I should buy in the future. For the most part, this is actually pretty cool. I have stumbled upon quite a few little gems I'd not have otherwise discovered. But, it's the strange connections Amazon makes that cause me to lump it with its evil birth brothers. I recently purchased a CD by the band Fleet Foxes. Now, Amazon assumes I want to read a bunch of National Geographic nature books about foxes and buy the DVD of some Jodie Foster movie made in 1980. Stop, Amazon!

And the last of the demonic triplets: TiVo. Patton Oswalt does a great comedic bit about TiVo and its learning habits. I can't really do better than the bit, so I won't try... but the basic idea is that he programmed his TiVo to record a particular Western ("The Man From Laramie," I believe) and came home a few days later to find his hard drive full of everything on television that had anything to do with horses, featured horses, discussed or addressed horses or had horses anywhere in any image in the program. TiVo got a little too aggressive with its assumption that it knew what he wanted to see.

In short, all of this artificial intelligence has its advantages... and its disadvantages. Oh well, I'll take the bad with the good, I suppose!

I visited my parents' house a few weeks ago and smashed my toe on a piece of furniture. I really crunched it and pretty much broke my little toe. I'm not much of a complainer when infirm and it was fairly painful to walk on, even after I taped it up, so I basically tried to sit quietly as much as possible.

Looking on their coffee table, I noticed a thin book that looked interesting, entitled "Eats, Shoots & Leaves" by Lynne Truss. The book starts out with a joke:
A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

I was hooked immediately, because I'm a bit of a punctuation stickler. Bad writing drives me crazy. Bad punctuation makes me homicidal. One of my biggest pet peeves is the contraction of the word "little." Most often you see it as Lil'. Now ask yourself: What word is being contracted here? Lily? Lillith? Lilliput? The right way - wait, let me re-phrase that - the only way to contract little is to write it as li'l. Lil' Kim, Lil' Bush, Lil' Bow Wow? You're officially on notice.

I'm no expert, but I do try to correctly make use of punctuation and grammar as much as possible. I make mistakes all the time, and I'm always happy to stand corrected (as Francine the Flower Child once told me, "Mistakes are lessons to be learned; you'll keep making the same mistakes until you learn that lesson"). Punctuation, grammar and spelling are not just for snobs and smartasses. They're the means by which we communicate clearly and effectively. For too long, we've allowed our culture to devolve into a celebration of ignorance and mediocrity. Lynne Truss has struck a blow for humanity, and I encourage everyone who reads this to pick up a copy, read it over and do your small part to save civilization from the barbarians. It's also funny and the covers aren't too far apart.

I have a female friend who once told me that she had a HUGE crush on Abraham Lincoln when she was a kid. Her room was adorned with pictures of good old Honest Abe instead of tear out posters from Teen Bop or the latest movie star craze. I found this absolutely fascinating and strangely cool, and inquired what is was about Abe that gave her these feelings of butterflies, adoration and all around googoo gaagaa-ness.

She said that she's just into guys with big noses.

OK. Not really the answer I was looking for, but the fact that she FELT something for Abraham Lincoln, even as a kid, was neat to me. Ever since that fateful day, I have looked at Abraham Lincoln in a different way. I realized then and continue to realize that I DO have feelings for Abe, and I might even know why.

First off, he is a hugely recognizable character. I have never met someone who couldn't recognize Abraham Lincoln. Granted, I rarely open a conversation with his portrait in tow and the question on my lips, but perhaps I should from now on! I might be able to avoid some sticky situations this way.

Abe also did a lot for this country. Everyone knows what the Emancipation Proclamation is and everyone knows that he saw our great Nation through it's most bloody and brutal war. If you don't know what war I am talking about then just don't bother ever talking to me again. Seriously! Another crisis averted all because of Abe.

Abraham Lincoln was really smart and really funny all at the same time. I mean, looking through some of his most famous quotes makes me wish that he could have run the country and been a writer on SNL simultaneously.

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She grabbed me. Then I heard it. The buzz.

I freaked. What is she doing to me???

This wasn’t a brush she was running through my coat.

Oh my, I’m all over the floor.

And suddenly I feel a cool breeze on my side.

Now I feel it on top.

This is weird.

My hair is all over the floor but I’m not bleeding.

It doesn’t even hurt.

In fact I feel lighter. Cooler.

I just can’t figure out what she is doing.

She says I look “pretty.”

She’s sweeping all of it away.

Keeps talking about making a sweater.

Who needs a sweater in this weather?

Do you have FUN in your workplace? If not you need some.

Fun is everywhere at Current. Playing together is key at Current. We do adventures together like white water rafting, competing at volleyball or racing around an obstacle course every year at the Run for The Rose. Lisa Koier, our COO, AKA “Culture Queen," always endorses fun and excitement around the office.

Here are a few tips to add some FUN in your workplace:

1)    Nicknames. Everyone MUST have a nickname. It is much more fun to greet around the office with names such as “The Bomb," D-Meister” and “Smarty Pants." Don’t you agree?

2)    Treats. Dogs and cats are not the only ones that need treats. Offices do as well. Be spontaneous and plan an ice cream party day or a popcorn hour.

3)    Gatherings. Treat your office to a fun outing, like Movie Night, Roller skating or a Comedy Night.

4)    Lunch. Yes, Food again. It is important to try and lunch with everyone on your staff at least twice a month. This allows you to catch up and get to know your co-workers on a personal level.

5)    The final tip for today is Animals. Animals you ask? Every office needs a pet. A fish, a ferret, a bird, your choice. Our shop pet is a dog. Her name is Mona. Our office would not be the same without her. She is a permanent member of our staff. Oh, and my nickname for her is M-Dog. Seemed like a natural fit.

Remember, have fun in your life, even at work.

I would like to take this opportunity to share with everyone my favorite Friday pick-me-up. Everyone is excited for Fridays, this is no secret. But how many people do you know are excited for the drive to work on Friday morning?

Every morning I go through my typical routine, but never am I more excited to get into my car and head to work than I am on Fridays. Sit down, shut the door, put the seat belt on, and then the magic happens. I turn on B96.5 between 8:00 and about 8:20a.m., and they play the Wrong Song.

During the Rus Parr Morning Show's Wrong Song, DJs from around the country send in their best mixes that include everything from Sting to Biggie. Within seconds you find yourself laughing and dancing in the car, which only stops when you feel that driver to your right staring at you like you're crazy.

Lean on Me, Don’t Stop Believing, Tootsee Roll and Men in Black… it just keeps getting better! There is no double mocha latte that can replace the jolt in the morning the Wrong Song gives me. Join me every Friday, and see if you love the Wrong Song as much as I do!